No Bullying Allowed
by Audrey Lynne
Summary: Danville Elementary is trying to protect kids from the fear of bullying, understandably. Buford is not happy, predictably.


"I don't believe it!" Buford VanStomm's shocked voice was loud enough to echo off the eardrums of anyone within a one hundred yard radius of Danville Elementary's front door. "I don't freakin' believe it!"

"What's that, Buford?" As usual, Phineas Flynn was entirely too eager to volunteer to help. Buford snorted, looking at the group milling around him. They were waiting outside for the school's doors to open, and since yesterday, there had been a nasty surprise posted at the entrance. He pointed at the neon yellow sign, with black lettering and a giant red "no" circle and slash. "No Bullying Zone! Do you see that?!" His livelihood was being threatened.

"Well, yes." Ferb Fletcher raised a single thin eyebrow, a gesture that never failed to frustrate Buford, mostly because he couldn't figure out how the British kid did it. "The Jefferson County school district is taking measures to eliminate bullying in schools so that children feel safe and learn. It's been all over the news."

Like he watched the news. Buford pointed at the sign, outraged. "But, what am I gonna do? That sign says you could get kicked outta school for doing it!" Unlike some people thought, he _could_ read – and he wasn't happy with what he was seeing. He didn't particularly have a problem with the thought of not having to go to school again, but he suspected they'd just make him go to another one somewhere else, and nothing screamed bully-bait like a new kid. He knew which end of the Bully Code he was meant to be on, thank you very much.

Isabella Garcia-Shapiro rolled her eyes. "Well, _yeah_. I mean, everyone knows that bullying's gotten to be a real problem. Kids are afraid of getting beaten up or harassed if they're not someone else's idea of 'cool.' My Fireside Girls troop collaborated on a treatise about it."

Buford was not impressed, mostly because he had no idea what a treatise was. He would have to consult Baljeet Patel later, privately. A bully simply could not be seen consulting his nerd by anyone not covered under the Code. Speaking of the little Indian scamp, he was _way_ too quiet. This was threatening the whole balance of their relationship. Why wasn't he saying anything? "But! Baljeet likes it! Don't you, Baljeet?"

"Not particularly at the start," Baljeet replied, "but it is something to which I have become accustomed."

"See? He likes it!" Buford declared.

Baljeet sighed dramatically. "Yes, I like it."

Buford cupped a hand to his ear. "What was that? I didn't hear you."

"I like it," Baljeet repeated, looking vaguely annoyed.

"I must be going deaf!" Buford exclaimed. "I didn't hear a thing you said!"

"I LIKE IT, YOU UNREFINED EXCUSE FOR A BULLY!" Baljeet screeched. He looked shocked and quickly put a hand over his mouth. "I didn't mean it. Please do not repave your driveway with me."

Buford nodded with satisfaction. "That's more like it." He looked at the rest of his friends. "What am I gonna do?"

Phineas shrugged. "Well, you could make sure you only bully him off school property."

Isabella rolled her eyes. "_Not_ helpful! What I think you're failing to realize here, Buford, is that you and Baljeet have a special type of bullying relationship. It's more what people classify as 'frenemies.' If you were bullying him in the way the new policy is talking about, he would be too scared to argue back, or even if he did, you wouldn't listen. They're not Code bullies. Bullying is all about power."

Buford reached out with a finger, stopping short of poking her in the chest. He'd pay for that later if he did. "Power, I got plenty of."

"Yes, but it's an arrangement." Isabella shrugged. "What would you do if Baljeet got bullied by someone else?" She didn't wait for an answer. "You'd protect him, right? Well, there you go. You take out your aggression and your angst over your bizarre home life and Baljeet receives your protection in return. You enjoy pretending not to stand one another. In fact, you rarely so much as glare at other kids outside your group of friends."

Buford did not have the patience to listen to all of that, but he could live what he _had_ paid attention to. "Okay, but what am I going to do about the sign?"

Isabella sighed, looking resigned. "What Phineas said. Make sure you bully him off school property."

Buford nodded as a teacher came to open the doors. "I can live with that." Out of habit, he picked Baljeet up, tucking him like luggage under one arm.

The teacher crossed her arms. "Buford! What are you doing?"

As Buford tried to think up a good excuse, Baljeet jumped in. "He is escorting me to my class, of course!" Yeah, sometimes the little nerd was all right.

"Oh." The teacher still looked suspicious, but she shrugged. "Just put him down. He can walk."

Buford nodded, setting Baljeet down and making a point to pat his head gently. This frenemies thing might have been all right, but he had better not catch any non-Code bullies on his turf. A bully and his nerd had a pact, and it was meant to be followed to the letter.

Even if not all those letters were spelled right.


End file.
